Nurturing Spiritual Connections

Photo by Barbara Ribeiro

Our lives and paths interconnect with thousands of people who crisscross like a network of light -  some will light up your life, some will leave a strong mark on you, some will be transitory, and others will be with you on your journey for a large part of your life.  Your life and presence will similarly touch literally thousands of people whilst you’re experiencing, contributing and growing from your mission during your time on this earth.

So what are spiritual connections?  At the highest level we’re all connected to each other so the more we’re consciously aware of our own spirituality – our connection to our inner self and possibly to something greater than the self - the more we’ll be able to perceive and value our connectedness to other people.  As we work on our own growth we find we’re able to be more tolerant, set healthier boundaries,  better express warmth, be more empathetic, be better listeners, be better leaders and mentors.  This helps us to develop deeper, more genuine, more mutually nurturing connections.  You find as you foster your own spirituality, your true confidence improves and you will automatically attract deeper more nurturing connections.  

As you develop spiritually you find yourself being able to give unconditional love in situations where you would have previously shut down, ended up in a big argument, or walked away , i.e. you find yourself moving beyond the freeze, fight or flight response*.  This process of opening up allows the light in and encourages deeper connections, but this opening requires relaxing our defences and invites the question what about abusive people and maintaining boundaries?

Your first obligation is to maintain the integrity of your own standard of behaviour - to be authentic to your higher values and to be respectful to all people.  At any rate, that’s the level to aspire to even if we don’t always hit the mark.
 

Managing the balance between unconditional love and boundaries

map courtesy of chinahighlights.com

Unconditional love is just that – unconditional - so it’s not dependant on whether the other person reciprocates.  Not every person you’ll meet will reciprocate and sadly some will even try to take advantage of what they perceive to be a weakness.  Part of wisdom is knowing how to set healthy boundaries and I find the analogy of the Forbidden City really helpful here.  This was the residence of the Emperor of China built in the early 1400’s and made up of a succession of courtyards, pavilions and doors forming the outer and inner courts.  Visitors and foreign dignitaries were only allowed into the outer courts; courtiers were invited into the closer anti-rooms etc. until you finally arrive to the private inner courts where only the most trusted of the Emperor’s advisors, closest friends and family were allowed.  Using this model, if you’re not getting great vibes from a person, be respectful, be kind, but keep them for the time being at an arm’s length and take it forward slowly.  There’s no need for an all or nothing approach.  

Types of Connections

There are different types of connections that we experience all of varying importance, but the ones that bring us depth, joy and comfort are the connections that have a spiritual familiarity to them.  We can experience attractions on any of these levels:

Physical –  a physical attraction may obviously may be sexual but could also be for instance people getting together in a gym class where the main point of interest is physical fitness.  You generally find in these cases the person who’s best at the activity tends to be central to the group.

Emotional –  this happens when there’s an attraction due to complementary emotional dynamics, or for instance if there’s a shared grief which would amplify emotional resonance between the people involved.  At this level, there would be a shared empathy and understanding.

Mental –  where there’s a meeting of minds on a subject, a concept or ideology, a mental connection would be forged.  As an example, a shared interest in the cosmos could begin a friendship based on an attraction to another person who “gets it”.  There may be admiration for the other person’s achievements and drive to contribute.  A shared sense of humour often happens at this mental level.

Spiritual – a recognition of another person having shared values and a similar capacity to love and respect for others.  People like that can come into our lives only briefly and help us in our direction, but we remember them a lifetime.  At this level, you’re not only seeing what the person projects, their persona, but you’re able to also perceive each other’s larger self – you have faith in each other’s decency and compassion and you instinctively trust each other.  A profound bond between two people is possible once this spiritual connection is made.

Each level has its own merits and what you’re attracted to also depends on what phase of your life you’re at and what you’re consciously turning your attention to.  When you’re young it’s normal to want to explore as you don’t yet know what it is you like and the first port of call for attractions are more likely to be physical.  This can be sexual/romantic but think also to how at school the prettiest girls attract most friends and are the most popular, and the Alpha male captain of the football team is the one that attracts most attention.  And if you’re Rinaldo that never changes it seems.

 The most rewarding relationships however tend to have all four aspects –physical, emotional, mental and spiritual connections.  That’s a soulmate connection.  

How to recognise a spiritual connection

Generally we look for are people whose company we enjoy and who will support us, build up our confidence, laugh with us, empathise with us and comfort our grief, give us their honest constructive feedback instead of criticising our abilities and achievements, validate what we have to offer are worthwhile and that the our love has value.  Here are a few more thoughts… please do add to them!  

Photo by Rijan Hamidovic

·      You “see” each other

·      You feel confident of their values

·      You can laugh together

·      You trust them to have your back

·      You feel protective towards them - even at the expense of putting yourself in a difficult position

·      You have similar goals in life

·      You feel like you’ve know them for a very long time

·      You hold the space for each other to be able to have deep conversations together 

·      You respect each other’s opinions and viewpoints

·      You’re able to be yourself around each other without fear of being judged

·      You get each other without having to enter into lengthy explanations of your position

·      You feel grateful for having them in your life 

·      You support and heal each other

·      You feel more confident with them in your life

*I recommend trying the “Nothing But Love: 21 day Challenge” to help with moving beyond the freeze, fight or flight response and closer to unconditional love